Today was the one month anniversary of my father's passing. Knowing how close I was to my dad, my friends ask me daily, how I'm doing. For the most part, my own reactions surprise myself. For years I'd imagined the day my dad would die and I imagined how I would react and the truth is, I'm behaving very differently than I thought I would.
Firstly, I'm not crying all day and night and when I think about my dad, although I'm sad, I'm also at peace with his being gone. The hardest part for me is the permanence of his departure. Out of habit, I still pick up the phone to call him, only to realize that he's not going to be on the line to greet me with his cheerful voice. Instead, I complete dialing knowing my mom will be there and happy to hear from me.
There aren't moments of inconsolable bawling. Instead, I find when I lay down with Lulu for her morning nap, I well up thinking about how much I love her and how much my dad must've loved me. Lulu keeps me busy, laughing, and makes dad's passing less devastating for me. I am able to fill this hole in my heart with her being. Moving forward, I'm excited to see more of my father, blossom in her, in the years to come.
Following is the letter I wrote to friends and family about my father shortly after he passed. I'm sharing it with you with hopes that it will inspire you to tell your own loved ones how much you care for them, now, while you can:
Dear family,
Thank you for your kind words. Your thoughts mean a great deal to me, Silvio, and our extended family. To my surprise, my eyes aren't sweating too badly and its mostly because my father passed exactly how he (and we) wanted.
At 77 years old, my father, Chuong Giu Hong changed cosmic addresses last night at 8:26 pm in the company of his family. Before taking his last breaths, he opened his eyes for the first time in days, looked intently at my mom, his wife of 42 years, closed his eyes and left peacefully. I told my mom it's because she is so beautiful he wanted one last look to take with him to the afterlife.
Our family arrived in America as war refugees in 1975. My parents, who lived a very privileged life in Viet Nam, had to start over with five kids (ranging from two months old to five years old) in a mostly foreign country. They worked hard for everything we had and made sure we worked hard right beside them. I remember being told, "If you can't do it with a smile, don't do it at all." When things appear seemingly impossible, all the Hong kids can STFU and just do it. Thank you, (mom and) dad for this ability we've all discovered is not-so-normal.
I feel especially fortunate to have been able to spend the last month with my dad in Florida. And with Lulu, no less. That said, I never felt far from my father since we checked in often. I am lucky to have been raised in a family that needed and wanted to know several times a week, "Hey daddy, what are you eating for dinner?" and then my dad would tell me and then I would lament my missing another fantastic mom-made-meal. We made the mundane, meaningful. Especially knowing that dad was on "borrowed time" -- something he sometimes reminded us of (since his father, who was born in 1888 passed in his early 60s).
In the past couple of weeks my dad was already preparing for his journey ahead. We talked about taking a cross country road trip (he loved traveling cross country, as do I, having done it three times already) and although in my heart I knew he was too fragile to physically hit the road, I walked him through all the different places we would visit together. Dad wanted to return to Arlington, Virginia where we were raised and to visit, Carmel and Monterey Bay, California and surprisingly to me, he wanted to visit Seattle, Washington again. He also wanted to return to his beloved Paris. Dad also told me he'd "drive through Texas". That made me laugh. I'm happy dad is now out and about continuing his adventures.
My father imparted a lot of wisdom to us over the years, always in a kind and non-obtrusive way. He was not religious but lived with principal and discipline. There are few people I've met with my father's integrity -- a trait I strongly admire. He was also loyal to the core. Sony, Charmin, and Bounty made a ton of money from him over the years!
Dad reminded us that money comes and goes, you can lose your country and never to see it again, and "family is everything" (the one you are born into and the one you make). He also warned me to be careful what you wish for, as he had once wished we would all someday, be educated in America (as all foreign bourgeoise desire) and while he got his wish, it wasn't exactly how he planned.
I'm grateful that I got to say everything I wanted to, to my father. And I'm even more grateful, he often told us he loved us. Although Lulu only got to know her grandfather for a year, this past month she made him smile a lot. He remarked she was so beautiful and funny and was happy to have her around squawking up a storm. Shortly after he passed, while she stood over him, Lulu waved frantically to him with a huge smile on her face. Just waving and waving and smiling and smiling. I'm certain she got a secret message. Maybe she'll share it with me someday.
If Silvio and I can raise Lulu to love us half as much as we loved my father, we still win.
I love you daddy. Bonne nuit, a demain (Good night, see you tomorrow in French -- the last thing my father said to us every night after he tucked us in and turned the lights off).
xosourisxo
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